Dear Family,Shame cripples good people. Guilt handicaps amazing brothers and sisters. And feelings of not being good enough or not having any value destroys folks that who knows what they could have become had someone, anyone, possibly someone from church, would have helped free these people from darkness and bring them into light.
I am thinking a lot about shame, guilt, and darkness right now. Not because i feel that way, but because one of my favorite all time football players, Junior Seau, killed himself. We might not ever know all the reasons why Seau felt no hope, no light, no possibility for things to change, but we do know that those closest to him will spend the rest of their lives wondering what they could have done differently. It is tragic to lose any loved one, but when that loved one takes his or her own life, well that adds layers and difficulties to the healing process. In order for healing to come, we have to, eventually, learn to accept the tragedy. How do we do that when suicide steals our loved one?
In light of Seau's suicide, it brings back memories of other folks, that i know personally, who have claimed their own life, and i spend a good deal of time reflecting, asking seeking answers to why they felt so lost, so hopeless that the only alternative was robbing themselves of life, but also hurting their loved ones so deeply. And i do not have an answer. I do not know how, why, or what to say or do when someone takes his or her own life. Seminary and ministerial training simply cannot prepare us for everything we might encounter. Some thing have to be left up to God, believing in the desperate pleas for answers, God will give us something greater: peace.
I know this is an odd approach to Judas's own suicide attempt. I mean we often glaze over Judas taking his own life as retribution for his betrayal of Jesus, but as i read and reread this tragic turn of events, i have to wonder if Jesus really agrees that suicide is an acceptable end to Judas's misery and guilt? If Jesus loved Judas, and i know He did, wouldn't Jesus want something greater even for Judas, who betrayed Him? Wouldn't the Author of our faith, the Alpha and the Omega, the Prince of Peace, wouldn't He want more for Judas?
I think so.
Jesus didn't love superficially. He loved perfectly. Holistically. And Jesus' love stretched beyond betrayers and enemies to create something greater: God's Perfect Kingdom. This Kingdom came to bring light to those persons, which in reality could be all of us, who know only darkness, shame, ostracism, and pain. Jesus brings hope. A future. A new day. A new beginning. Forgiveness. Mercy. Rebirth. And not even Judas lives beyond Jesus' powerful, healing, salvific love. But we will never know, because Judas didn't let Jesus heal his guilt and shame. Judas gave up before Jesus could give Judas something miraculous: a new life, rebirth.
When we talk about Judas' suicide this Sunday, i want to invite us all to remember that Judas' death should never be celebrated, but mourned. He lost all hope and took the only road he felt worthy to inhabit: suicide. We must mourn his darkness and remember those persons, in our lives, in our communities, and in our world whose lives mirror Judas's, and they, like Judas, know only the long, dark road of despair. May we bring light to their darkness so that fewer people are left wondering, like those who love Junior Seau, why... Amen.
Shalom,
jerry
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